Yes, this post is kind of weird to do now. Piper is turning 1 in just a week! I meant to do multiple posts throughout my pregnancy like I have in past pregnancies, but I fell asleep at night too much during all of my pregnancy with Piper. I'm realizing now that it would have been hard for me to blog through it because I had a lot of jumbled up feelings about everything. I was trusting God, but having a hard time doing so. I feel like it's important for me to write this post now. I think it will help me process everything better looking back on the experience as a whole. I was struggling with the words to get started with Piper's 1st birthday blog post and I think it's because I needed to do this post first. Things kept coming up in my mind that related better to my pregnancy more than a turning one post. Probably because she's my only baby I didn't "mean" to have, if that makes sense. I thought I was done having babies. I did not want any more. I say all the time, "I can't believe we almost didn't have Piper." or "If it was up to me she wouldn't be here." And that's heavy, because I can't imagine not having her now. She is such a blessing and a joy! <3 From the shock of finding out I was pregnant with her to her crazy fast unintentionally unattended birth, it was all sort of surreal. I don't think I've truly gone through it all and been honest with myself about the journey of having Piper. So here I go! (Long post warning! It's all 9 months together so yeah, there was no way I was keeping it short.)
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| An excerpt from my baby journal with Flynn. I did say "Never say never" ;) |
I believe I've blogged about why I thought 4 kids was my limit before this at some point. But in case you missed it or I've never told you before, this is where my head was at from the time I got pregnant with Flynn in 2019 until early December of 2021. I already had to convince Sam to have baby #4. Once I had him on board he said something like this, "Yeah, one more is ok but #4 will the last one for sure." and I completely agreed. As soon as the morning sickness hit me with Flynn, I thought to myself, yeah this is the last time I want to do this. All through my pregnancy with Flynn, whenever I felt defeated by pregnancy symptoms, I encouraged myself with "This is the last time, I can do this!!" Little did I know it would not be the last time. At least the encouragement worked for the moment. ;) When I had Flynn I had blood pressure issues through labor and some right after he was born that I had never had before. Then there was the fact that he was only 6lbs 6oz which felt so tiny to me compared with my others who were 8lbs, 8lbs 7oz and 9lbs 2oz. My midwife noted that it may have been due to the placenta shutting down a bit too early. He was completely healthy but didn't have a chance to plump up at the end. All of those weird health occurrences solidified to me that he would be our last planned baby. In addition to those issues, 4 kids with about 5 years between the youngest and the oldest was just right for me and I was soooo ready to move past the baby stage of life. There was also the fact that we live in a 1400 square foot house and we love our house and can't really afford anything more at this point. I thought 2 girls and 2 boys was perfect. 2 in each room of our 3 bedroom house. My van was the perfect size for all of us to fit plus a grandparent or 2 if Sam wasn't coming along for whatever event it was. That meant I could have 2 adult helpers in the car on long trips, again, perfect! Flynn was not a super easy baby like Xan before him. So I felt stretched super thin. So emotionally, physically, financially I felt full, at capacity! But God... Like I couldn't handle any more than what I had. But God... I thought I had it all planned out perfect. But God... He knows better. I was like, "I'm good on kids." But God said, "No, I want best."
This may be TMI, but I'm all about honesty and transparency, so I apologize in advance if my bluntness offends you. If you read a little father in my journal than what was highlighted you saw that I wrote "We will have to be really careful since neither of us want to do pills or surgeries." Well the only other option we felt comfortable with for contraception was condoms. Let me stress to you we took NO chances. I wasn't charting temperatures or watching dates or anything like that. Our plan was every time, no exceptions. I was sure I didn't want to go through pregnancy again. That was all the motivation I needed to be super careful and consistent with our prevention method.
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| Right after Jane told the kids Flynn picked up with baby doll |
Well, I was a week late on my period, which was uncommon for me. They had actually gotten closer together after Flynn. I think my hormones were off. My hair was falling out, I couldn't lose weight even though I tried, everything just felt off. I had started using a progesterone oil for about 2 months and I felt like it was starting to level things out a bit. So I thought maybe it's just that oil that's making things late. I decided to ask Sam just to make sure I didn't miss something. When I asked him he said, "Oh yeah.... I was too afraid to tell you. One broke about a couple weeks ago. I thought, "Nah, it's fine." but I kept seeing pictures and videos of babies popping up on my phone and I kept thinking of how innocent and perfect they are and it wouldn't be so bad to have another one around, that's when I knew it was probably happening. I also noticed your behavior the last week has been more like when you are in early pregnancy. So yeah, I've been working through it for over 2 weeks in my head and I'm good with it. I know it's probably a lot for you right now... You'll probably need time to work through it too." Seriously y'all... before Sam told me this I didn't even think there was a possibility of me being pregnant. I had no symptoms. When I asked him, I thought I was being paranoid and I needed to calm my silly thoughts. When he explained everything, he was so sure. The shock set in and dread of pregnancy hit me. I went from no symptoms to all the symptoms! Exhaustion, heightened emotions, nauseous, food aversions, short of breath, all at once. I know a lot of that was shock, but I felt like I didn't even need to take a test the symptoms were so strong.
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| 5 Weeks along with Baby #5! |
Of course I still took a test! I was doing a grocery order that night and I just added it on my curbside order that was already pending. I've always gotten the ones with the blue lines, but I splurged for the one that said "pregnant" this time. I needed it to tell me one way or the other! No doubting lines. ;) In the summer of 2021 Jane prayed hard for another baby sister. I told her we weren't planning to have any more kids and she said I couldn't stop her from praying and I told her she was right. I can still see her sitting there with her hands clasped together, glancing at me every few seconds with a knowing look. When I was about to take the test I told her she prayed for this baby, so she should read the test to me. She was the first one to know for sure! She said "it says pregnant." She didn't look too excited, but that was because she was worried I wasn't excited. You can see it all over my face in those pictures of me with the test. I was trying to smile, but I see a lot of uncertainty and anxiety in those eyes. To add to everything I've already mentioned concerning not wanting to be pregnant again, Sam was in the middle of medical issues with his back that prevented him from helping much at home at all. I couldn't imagine doing the newborn stage mostly alone. It was just a lot for me to process. 24 hours ago I was totally oblivious to the fact there was a tiny bean baby growing inside me. I looked down at my belly and said, "You just had to be born. You couldn't miss out on this amazing world and our crazy family! Right?" The idea of a baby was already growing on me. But in reality, I was way more ok with another baby than I was being pregnant again. That first trimester is daunting for me!! I get so tired and although I am very grateful that I don't have to throw up much at all, I still feel soooo gross for 18 weeks. Because of this I become somewhat distant from my family, it's all I can do just to survive. I went through the motions. I really tried to think of that adorable baby that I would have at the end of this, but the 9 months ahead of me felt soooooo long. I texted Sam a pic of the test because really, he already knew before I did. ;) I told Jane she could tell the rest of the kids and I assured her I was happy, it was ok for her to be excited. Finally she showed how elated she was! Her prayer was being answered!! When she told the kids Atlas was so excited and Flynn went along with the excitement. Xan was less than thrilled. She said, "NOOOOO, I don't want another baby...." She said how I felt inside honestly at first. That night I cried in the shower asking God why. He comforted me. I knew he has the best in mind, but I still cried that it was going to be so hard. He reminded me it may be hard, but it will be good! I will be completely transparent with you because maybe it will help someone else out there not feel like such a terrible person. Sometime in those first few days while I was grieving my own plans and not wanting to feel sick for months, I thought to myself, "Well, it's early still, I could still have a miscarriage..." That was so hard even to type, I'm in tears. I felt guilty as soon as I thought it. I wished I could take it back. I thought, "No, no, I want this baby, I do!!" God is full of grace. I told Sam what I had thought and cried when I said it. He assured me it was a normal thing to think when you are so shocked and your world is turned upside down. He knew I wanted the baby, it was just my fearful thoughts of the hardness of it all. So I want to say if you have an unplanned pregnancy and somewhere inside you had that wish like I did, don't beat yourself up!! It's ok to have that thought, just don't sit in it! Talk to someone you trust about your feelings and pray. God will lift you up!! I started making plans to draw the picture at the top of this post as an announcement (inspired by baby Karli in one of my favorite mangas, Vinland Saga) and get an ultrasound right before our families New Year/Christmas celebration, then put the ultrasound pic in a new grandbaby frame as a present to my parents and tell everyone then. I ended up telling my parents the same day I took the test and cried a little with them too. Another thing I will tell you is it is ok to cry!! Feel the emotions, don't bottle them up, just don't sit in them for too long, don't let them steal your joy.
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| First purchase for baby #5, 3 kid stroller |
As soon as Jane knew I was ok with baby #5 she wanted to tell everyone and I felt so sick I let her tell everyone we saw in person. I wasn't really ready to share the news. I was happy, but not excited yet. I was feeling really sick and I wanted to let people know why, so it was nice to hand that task off to Jane. :) She did a great job. Everyone at park day knew that next week. One of My mom friends came up to me and said, "I think I might know something I'm not supposed to know??" Haha, I said, "Oh yeah it's ok. It's true." So many smiles and congratulations and encouragement. It helped my mood tremendously. I love my park day family. <3
About a week after I first found out I was pregnant I was feeling super terrible. Like not able to get off the recliner nauseous. I couldn’t even consider what I should do for dinner. I thought to myself, “oh my gosh, if this is how bad morning sickness is going to be this time I don’t know how I’m going to survive!!” Then Atlas threw up all over the carpet. A sense of relief and dread set in at the same time. I realized I was sick with a stomach bug not just morning sickness! Thank goodness I would get better, but man, it was my first time experiencing a stomach bug in first trimester and it was the pits! Of course dealing with barf clean up while sick yourself is really hard. Thankfully Sam was able to help some too before going down for the count himself. When I was getting better it was hard to tell if I was all the way better since I was still nauseous and feeling gross from morning sickness. In some ways it gave me the strength to get through the rest of my first trimester weeks. At least the rest of the first trimester wasn’t as hard as the first couple of weeks of shock and stomach bug woes.
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| Jelly bean baby!! <3 8 weeks |
I messaged Sallie, my midwife for Atlas, Xan and Flynn, and said, “Hey so, I have this friend who thought they were done having kids except their prevention method failed and now they’re having their 5th kid and it’s kind of overwhelming when they weren’t prepared to have another baby. So they need a wonderful, supportive midwife to help them through this (hopefully) last pregnancy and birth journey. Oh wait, sorry, I’m the friend… the friend is me. haha! Seriously though, It really feels like it’s happening to someone else and not me. Super surreal, but the morning sickness sure is real. Soooo, will you be my midwife again?? Due around August 7th 2022” she responded, "Of course!" But also jokingly said I could have just invited her to dinner if I wanted to see her again. Haha! I also called around to different OBGYNs to try to get an ultrasound before the New Year. Everything was totally booked and I’m so glad it was. It made me think, “I wonder if inside story ultrasound does confirmation ultrasounds!” I had only been for the ones when we find out the gender at around 18 weeks and a 3D/4D one at around 30 weeks and I love them sooo much. Chanel is amazing. So to my delight I found out they do 8 week confirmation ultrasounds! I had planned to leave my kiddos with my mom and go on my own but my parents had COVID! So I ended up having to go on my own with all 4 kids. Chanel said it was totally fine to bring them. And you know what? The kids being there was exactly what I needed!! As soon as she found the heartbeat and the kids heard the rhythmic thump thump of a beautiful, healthy baby, all 4 of their faces lit up and seeing the wonder and joy in their eyes was the most encouraging and uplifting things I’ve ever experienced. I was going to be ok and these kids were thrilled to have a new sibling. <3 (by this point Xan had come around to the idea and was excited too)
Even though I told my parents the same day I found out, I did end up waiting to tell the rest of the family on our new year’s/Christmas celebration with the frame idea just like I had planned. My mom opened the present and showed everyone and everyone responded with an Aw! So sweet. Then I said, “I don’t think anyone is counting.” Then Anna got it and they were like, “Really???” Congratulations, excitement and hugs all around. So therapeutic to my still jumbled up self. It took me awhile to truly grieve all of my plans. I’m a planner, I had a lot of plans… I have expressed to you just how much support I had and encouragement I had, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, God and it was still hard to stay positive sometimes. I can’t imagine going through all of that without the support. Like what if I didn’t feel like God was on my side, or my husband was more disappointed than I was, what if I didn’t have any supportive family or friends?? I just have a new perspective for someone that has an unplanned pregnancy and doesn’t have the support they need. I can completely empathize with the desperation someone in that situation might feel. I wish there was a way to provide every desperate expecting mother with the support they need to have their baby. Definitely on my heart more than ever. God must be tugging me towards doing something to help. I’m not sure what it is at this point but I feel like he is preparing my heart.
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| 14 weeks! |
I made it through the first trimester!! Unfortunately morning sickness and the overall feeling of yuck sticks around for me until around 18-19 weeks. So the next 4 weeks after reaching the second trimester is always spent looking forward with excitement to that ultrasound so we can know for sure if we are having a girl or a boy. That way I could start planning what I needed to buy and what name our baby would have! I was completely convinced I was having a girl though. My symptoms are very distinct and different for girls and boys. Boys I am extremely exhausted, like fall asleep in the middle of floor midday exhausted. I still have exhaustion with the girls but not as extreme. It's more like fall asleep on the couch every night exhausted. The girls bring more nausea and I feel like I have to gag all the time. That gag feeling just sits there in the back of my throat nonstop. I can imagine it now and it makes me shudder just thinking about it. My gag reflex may feel heightened with the boys but not to the level of the girls. I know the difference. When I felt that gaggy feeling start to settle in I became convinced it was a girl. Enough so that when my friend Melody offered me a bunch of baby girl clothes in January just a month after I had found out I said yes! I had given away most of my little baby girl clothes because I thought I was done having babies. I figured if I happened to be wrong I could just pass it on to someone else who could use it.
It's no surprise, but I was not wrong!! :D I'm batting 4 for 5 in guessing the gender of my babies! With Jane I had no idea and guessed boy. I may have gotten a little lucky with Atlas, but I did feel pretty different with him compared to Jane. The rest I felt like I knew pretty early on because I could compare symptoms from Jane and Atlas. We were all thrilled to find out she was a girl for sure though! Except Atlas that is. He was convinced it would be a brother and was in denial for weeks afterwards. He finally came around and of course loves his baby sister soooo much!! Chanel from Inside Story Ultrasound was awesome as always! This time I finally remembered to get a picture with her. So glad!
I adore naming babies! <3 Maybe it's a little weird, but I was picking out baby names before I even had a boyfriend. Haha! I just love names and finding out their meanings. Language fascinates me and names fall into that category. I also dreamed of being a mother from pretty early on. Thinking of names is a way I could dream about it. Did I use any of the names I came up with as teenager? Nope! I guess I didn't consider the fact that my husband could have very strong opinions about names too. ;) After Flynn, Sam and I had run out of names we both agreed on. Piper was such a surprise, I didn't have any names in my back pocket ready to go. I did say I liked Lily if Flynn had been a girl, but for some reason it just didn't feel right for this baby. Plus we were even on naming priority (Sam named Atlas and Alexandria and I named Jane and Flynn) and since baby #5 is supposed to be the finale we decided we should figure it out together. I told Sam he could pick out the first name as long as I could have the middle name, I already knew what I wanted for the middle name of either a girl or a boy. (of course we would still both have veto rights and could still suggest names to each other) Before we knew she was a girl we tossed around a few boy names, but never had one we really liked. I knew I wanted either John or Paul as a middle name if she had been a boy because I wanted to honor my grandfather with one of those names. As far a first names go, I think we came up with Levi and Link to put on the list, but that was it and we weren't sold on either. With girl names we were all over the place! Except for the middle name, I knew I wanted Ann and Sam was good with that. It's my middle name and is in my mom's name. So the middle name was done!
Coming up with the first name was the challenge! I really wanted Felicity and Sam was not a fan at all. He thought of Erin and Yelena and I did not like either. So no to all three. I came up with Zelda and he said that was the closest so far. I agreed, but he wasn't sure about her being named after a famous video game and was sort of concerned she might be teased about it. I love that each of our kids' names comes from an interest or passion of ours. Jane Elizabeth is marvel movie and book related. Atlas Gabriel was inspired by Sam's favorite band. Alexandria Ridley is partly Star Wars inspired. Flynn Samuel was taken from the video game movie Tron. So I felt like the name for our 5th baby should also be inspired by one of our interests too. That's where Zelda came from. We also like names to not be super popular, but not super obscure either. Lastly, we want them to be pretty easy to pronounce and spell. I happened upon the name Akira. It has a Japanese origin and it means sunlight, but also could mean bright or clear. The last definition listed caught my eye, "Ideal". I thought how ironic. Probably one of the first things I thought of was this pregnancy is not ideal. Truly, only in my eyes was it not ideal. I was coming to realize that it was ideal in God's eyes and that was way more important than my opinion. I loved the idea of a name to always remind me to consider God's ideal plans and not my own. It also is the name of a very famous anime movie that is known for it's groundbreaking animation for it's time. Sam said it sounded a little too Japanese and although we love anime and Japanese culture, we are not Japanese in any way. I said we could name her Akira, but we could just call her Kira which is a pretty normal western name. He liked it a good amount, but wasn't ready to commit. I loved it. Seriously, I have it written down in my journal that I was ready to nail it down as her name if Sam agreed! A few days later Sam said, "Oh, I thought of a name on the way home I really like." I was ready to hear it, but was still pretty attached to Akira. He said, "What do you think about Piper?" I sat there and was like, "oh... wow, I haven't even thought of that name, but I really like it!" He noted how it felt right. It felt like her name already. I couldn't help but agree. I took a couple days to say goodbye to name Akira because even though I loved it, I couldn't deny that Piper was definitely the right name for our sweet baby girl. I remember telling my mom and she loved it right away too. Everyone I told said how cute and sweet it was. Sam said he couldn't imagine someone named Piper not being joyful. I thought so too. It also has ties to music because Piper means, well, a piper! Someone who plays a fluted instrument. Do you know who plays a flute? Link from The Legend of Zelda! :D Ocarina of Time is one of my favorite video games of all time. Yeah it's a stretch, but I still love it. Finally, it fit perfectly with Ann. So Piper Ann was our choice! I'm so glad Sam came up with it. I can't imagine her being named anything else now!
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| 22 weeks! |
FINALLY the morning sickness and exhaustion was gone!! 2nd trimester energy had kicked in! I knew my baby was a girl and her name was Piper. I was feeling all the fun kicks and movements she was making. For the first time I was feeling excited!! My feelings were becoming unjumbled, I had made new plans and loved them even more than my old plans. No more dread and uncertainty. The hardest part of pregnancy for me was over. I felt like myself again and I can see it all over my face in the picture above. Such a difference from that first picture of me with the test. I noted on a Facebook post when I shared this picture that since I was feeling so much better that the rest of my pregnancy would fly by and Piper would be here before I knew it. I was certainly right!! The rest kind of runs together but I'll add some pictures through out the next few months and some notes of events I can remember.
In this picture I had borrowed my mom's blood pressure cuff because Sallie thought my BP reading was high when she came for an appointment. It turns out that her machine's setting were off and my blood pressure was completely fine. It was a little scare but ended up being nothing thankfully! Everything at all the rest of my appointments was perfect health wise!
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| Baby footie jammies! <3 |
I picked up a few newborn baby sleepers from the thrift store at a great price. I needed some because in the lot of clothes I received from my friend there weren't many newborn jammies. It was one of the things I needed most with Flynn when he was surprisingly small. Since I had a small baby I couldn't be sure what weight Piper would be when she was born so I wanted to be prepared. Random note, around this time Atlas broke his arm. It was an interesting time between prenatal appointments for me, back appointments for Sam and arm appointments for Atlas. SO MANY MEDICAL BILLS!
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| 26 weeks |
At 26 weeks Piper had popped!! Such big difference in my bump from weeks 22 to 26. This was in early May and I was a little anxious about being so big during the hottest time of the year! First time having a summer baby!
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| So much love for Piper!! |
As soon as my belly was big enough to give hugs too the kids were always rubbing my belly and talking to Piper. I love how much they loved her before she was even born. <3
After 32 weeks I went into prep/nesting mode!! For some reason, I had a lot of anxiety about her coming too early and not being prepared enough. Probably had something to do with my intense Braxton Hicks contractions. We were tight on cash because of all of the medical bills I mentioned. So I got hyper fixated on checking Give Freely on Facebook for the last items we needed and any free diapers I could get! It was becoming a big distraction in my life. I felt God tell me to stop checking so often and trust him to provide. The very next park day a fellow park mom blessed me with this huge haul! I could barely believe it. It was almost everything left that I needed and gave me so much peace. God was going to take care of us. Xan was so excited because Piper received the exact same bunny stuffy as her's!! Thank you Karen! You blessed me more than you could ever know! God is so good.
At 36 weeks my mom took the kids for a sleepover and I made as many freezer meals that would fit in my extra freezer!! I did it before I had Flynn too and it was such a huge help! It was just as amazing to have after Piper too. It's a lot of work that one day, but it really pays off. Yay for freezer meals!!
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| Piper bump has moved to shelf status |
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| Grow Piper Grow! |
Piper bump pics from 5 weeks through 36 weeks. I love to see all of these right next to each other. Babies are such miracles. I haven’t described my food aversions or cravings yet. I felt like my mouth was always so dry! Super thirsty all the time!! So I didn’t want anything to do with dry or salty food like crackers or chips. I craved fruit and sweet things. A big craving was churros! Sonic came out with a churro shake and it was so perfect to hit that craving and not be dry either.
I took these pictures and sent them to my mom so she would know where everything was and wouldn't have to ask me during labor. I was so prepared, but Piper came so fast we didn't end up needing almost any of it! ;) I was doing everything I could to nest at this point. I felt like I had to get the caulking of my bathtub cleaned because if I wanted to labor in there I didn't want to look at the moldy caulk. Thanks to a cleaning tip I had never heard of from my friend Dana, I was able to get it completely clean! It made me so happy. I didn't end up using my bathtub for labor because of her speedy delivery, but it's still nice that my nesting energy resulted in my bathtub looking super clean for the first time in years! A year after her birth I'm still happy about it! I also deep cleaned the high chair, got car seats switched around, bought security cameras and a few other things. I had to keep busy, I was soooo ready to meet Piper by this point.
All my baby bumps in the same outfit! (except the bottoms with Piper, I had given those pants away) Top: Jane, Atlas, Xan, Bottom: Flynn, Piper. In my baby journal I wrote down some predictions. I thought it might be fun to put them here too with what I was right and wrong about.
Predictions
Weight: 9lbs 8oz (real weight 8lbs 14oz)
Height: 22 1/2" (real height 22", pretty close!)
Birthday: 8/2/22 I was really hopeful she was going to be early. ;) (Real birthday: 8/17/22)
Time of day: early morning (spot on!! 3:33am was when she was born)
Labor: 2 hours or less (Pretty much! When contractions became closer than 10 min it was only about 1 hour until she was born. 3 1/2 hrs from my first tracked contraction)
I added, "I have a weird feeling that I will have this baby on my own or close to it." I was totally right on that one! My mom and Sam were with me but Sallie did not arrive before Piper was born.
I made it to my due date!! I had a lot of fears of her being premature and I'm so glad they turned out not to be true! I think they came from Piper feeling pretty low most of my pregnancy and also that my last birth began after I stepped out of my bed to go to the bathroom. So once I was big enough to feel pressure getting up out of bed I would remember my water breaking with Flynn and panic a little since I wasn't ready for her to be born. Sam had a back procedure near the end of my pregnancy and I didn't want her to come before 38 weeks because he was still recovering. Well, she gave us some extra time! I was trying to think about her being late as a blessing, but it was sooo hot and I was so ready to meet our precious Piper girl!
Jane prayed hard for Piper to come one night and was convinced she would wake up to me in labor. I for one hoped she was right. It was not the case. It was a good lesson on how God's timing is best and we need to do our best to trust he knows when the right time to meet Piper will be. I started to try to do one special thing that we couldn't do if Piper had already been born each day with the kids. We did the bubble machine which was magical because it had just rained and they stuck to everything! We made forts. I never let them make forts. It's a mess and they get really territorial about it, but they had a great time! We made cardboard phones like Bluey! We had a ton of fun, but it was starting to get hard to keep coming up with things to do.
More waiting! A week after her due date and she was still comfy. I planned a few play dates at my house to keep our spirits up and to keep from getting super impatient. While we were having a play date with the Cotas we received a sweet surprise grocery delivery from our home group and park day family!! It was such a blessing. We have such wonderful friends!
41 weeks!!! Last picture with my youngest before he was dethroned. ;) I'd never taken a 41 week picture before since Xan was born at 6am at 7 days late. I was feeling very similar to Xan tons of Braxton Hicks contractions that were faking me out!! My sister in law Anna told me about Prodromal Labor. It's almost like being in early labor for weeks. It definitely felt like that now and had felt like that with Xan too. When Sallie checked me at this point I was already dilated to a 4. I was really gearing up for a quick labor at this point and I was getting a little worried about being more than a week overdue!
See those consistent contractions on the 14th that lasted for at least an hour?? Yep, turned into nothing. I thought that was it! I didn't call anyone, but goodness what a fake out for me. Also, my baby app that tells me what size the baby is compared to a fruit now just said that my baby is the size of a newborn baby. Haha! I'd never reached that point before. I happened to see a post about big bag of free diapers just scrolling through Facebook not looking for it at all and was able to grab them that day. It was a nice little pick me up after being a little sad my labor didn't start the night before.
This is my gratefulness log. It helped me stay positive and see all of the fun things we got to do while we waited for Piper. I love looking back at it now. I didn't include Atlas getting stitches in his forehead on the 15th on my gratefulness log though... In fact I was having a really hard time with being grateful she hadn't come earlier that day because then it wouldn't have happened! But I told myself I couldn't think that way. What if he still got hurt and had to get stitches and I had a newborn already? That would have been even harder.
It was quite the night. I might as well share the whole story since it feels intertwined with Piper's birth for me. After dinner, Atlas and Xan were playing on the trampoline while I was getting the slip and slide together for our "special thing before Piper" that day. I walked around the corner to grab the hose and heard blood curdling screams. I jogged back around the corner and I saw Atlas sitting on the trampoline with blood gushing from his head. I sprinted my 41 week pregnant self towards Atlas as fast as I could! I frantically tried to ask what had happened and tried to calm my brain, but I had never seen so much blood so fast! I got him to move to the side of the trampoline to get him down and we ran inside to stop the bleeding. My mind was racing, is he ok?? is he ok?? All the while saying to him, "It's going to be ok!!" We got to the sink and he sounded scared saying he couldn't see. Of course he couldn't there was blood all over his eyes. I kept trying to wash the blood off his eyes, but it just kept pouring straight back down his face. Then my brain finally kicked from panicked frenzy to the first aid memory section and said, "Pressure!! of course!" I finally got the blood to stop gushing. From getting him off the trampoline to the time I put pressure on the wound, it was probably only 2 minutes, but felt like forever. Once I had held pressure on the wound for awhile, I took off the wad of paper towels for moment to get a good look at the wound. I let out a sigh of relief. I saw that while it was a little deep the bleeding was able to be controlled with pressure and the gash was not terribly big itself. I could tell it was going to need stitches though. I called my mom to get advice to see if maybe we could get the stitches done at an urgent care instead of the ER. She said she thought we could and she would come with me and Sam could stay with the kids. The urgent care let us be seen, but referred us to the ER because it was so close to the skull Atlas would need a CT scan to be safe. This poor boy, he was just at the ER 4 months earlier for a broken arm. We went to Kingwood ER right down the street from my house. It was so nice! No wait to get a room and everything was clean and felt new. The doctor and nurses were very nice. You can see me (and Piper) as I comfort Atlas through his stitches. He did a great job!! So brave. I noticed they said they were out of network with all insurance but they told me they work with the insurance networks so it would be like an in-network provider. A year later I've never received a bill from them. So I guess so?? If I look at the service through my insurance it says I'm supposed to owe $10,000 to them. But I guess that's just because that's how they bill the insurance to get the payment they need?? I'm hoping I don't get a year later bill that's outrageous. I'll keep you posted, but since I haven't gotten a bill I highly recommend them! We found out later from the footage from our security cameras (so glad I got them!) Atlas jumped a little funny and put his hands down on the trampoline near the side to catch himself and one arm went through the springs and his head hit one of the exposed hooks right there that made a gash in his forehead. It's so nice to know exactly what happened. Can you believe I didn't get one drop of blood on that white flowered shirt I had on? I was shocked it survived. I was even able to salvage the blood soaked shirt Atlas was wearing when he got hurt. I'm starting to get off track. I say all of this to make the point that I believe if I hadn't been running on full adrenaline and stress that night I could have had Piper then. We got home from the ER at around 11:30am and I took some time to calm back down some more and go to sleep.
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| Last picture I took before Piper was born! |
The next day we went to park day! I know kinda crazy. 9 days late and the morning after an ER visit and we still made it to the park! ;) My mom went with us or we wouldn't have gone. I needed to feel normal. Someone asked me if I had felt any contractions and I said oh yeah, very strong and all the time for weeks! Someone else commented that they could tell I was contracting right then through my shirt. Yep, like I said, all the time! Sallie texted me while we were there and said I would need to go to Inside Story Ultrasound to get my fluids checked by Thursday if she hadn't come by then and maybe start doing a few other natural methods to try to persuade labor to get a move on. I agreed but it made me super nervous. She told me the best thing I could do was to relax as much as I could, watch a funny movie, eat a good meal. She also told me to get some castor oil and rub it on my belly that night. So we got chick fil a for dinner and I settled in to watch What to Expect When You're Expecting with a brownie after the kids went to bed. When I started the movie at around 10am I rubbed caster oil on my belly and by midnight while I was watching Never Have I Ever the contractions started. The rest of the birth story is here if you're still here reading this and need MORE story. ;) So so glad she didn't make me wait any longer!! I still can barely believe she was born on the couch caught by my mom, 5 minutes before Sallie arrived. Here's a few pics just in case you don't want to read the whole birth story blog.
My beautiful Piper Baby! She is just the sweetest!! Born at 3:33am, 8lbs 14oz, 22" and so perfectly healthy. I could barely believe I had such a precious baby in my arms and I was finally done with pregnancy. I really do hope this is my last pregnancy blog post. ;)
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| Almost 1!! |
If you are wondering if that means we are truly done having kids, the answer is Sam had a vasectomy, but God can make a way if He wants too! ;) Just a few weeks after I found out that I was pregnant with Piper, I heard of two friends that had or were having a baby after a failed vasectomy, before that I had known no one personally with a failed vasectomy. I panicked all over again. Just the thought of Piper not being my last pregnancy made me short of breath at the time. I started thinking maybe I need to get my tubes tied instead of Sam getting the surgery or maybe we should both get surgeries! After I did my research the failure rate of either surgery is so small and also very similar in percentages. We both agreed Sam would be the one to take the hit because getting tubes tied is more invasive. I wanted absolute control over whether we would have another baby, but God was showing me that if He really willed for another child in our lives He was going to make it happen and I would have to trust again just like we had done with Piper. Just look where that trust got me!! A gorgeous baby girl that I love with my whole heart that has brought such joy and sunshine to our lives.
I still feel at capacity in the kid department of my life and if we hadn't done the vasectomy I would probably be living in a state of anxiety about when I could have another baby. Like seriously I might have chosen celibacy and I don't think our marriage would survive that and that is not ok! Haha! I know we all have our own opinions about fertility and what choices people make and I respect that, but I have a sort of weird analogy to help my brain process it. If I was going to walk out into the street without even looking and say "If God wills me to be safe right now, a car will not hit me!" you would think I was not being wise correct? God gave us a logical brain and the ability to use information to make wise decisions. I think we should use those gifts. So us choosing to get a contraceptive surgery is our way of looking both ways before crossing the street and making sure we've done what we can to not be hit by a car. Can a car still come barreling through my house and there is nothing I can do about it? Yes... but that's not up to me. This is not a perfect analogy in any way! It's just my way of processing things. Children are a blessing and I don't like to liken getting pregnant to be getting hit by a car, but I've done pregnancy, labor and birth 5 times and although I haven't been hit by a car before I think the expression of "I feel like I've been hit by a truck" is appropriately used after giving birth. ;) Having a child completely upends your life and it's wonderful, but oh so hard! In all honesty, Sometimes I still doubt myself. I look at Piper and think, "How could I have ever not chosen to have you??" So I think, "Am I keeping myself from another wonderful blessing??" I'm talking in circles a bit, but if God has another child for us He can make it happen! And if he does another fertility miracle, I think I might have a better attitude from the get go than I did this time. I live with more peace about it now than I used to. God is good. 5 children is amazing, hard, chaotic and beautiful all at the same time. If he makes a way for 6 then I know he will sustain me just like He always has. I thank him for giving us our beautiful Piper baby. The child I didn't plan to have, but most definitely needed in my life. <3
Psalm 127:3-5
Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.
Proverbs 16:9
The mind of a person plans his way,
But the Lord directs his steps.
